The Blue Ribbon
by PhoenixFanatic999
Summary: Harry wakes up and finds a particularly troublesome blue ribbon tied around a certain appendage named Harry Jr. This Ribbon electrocutes him every time he has a lewd thought about a girl. What is a guy to do? HP/HG


A/N: This is my first fic that I've ever worked up the courage to post, and it's a one shot, inspired loosely by the song "The Scotsman" by Dr. Demento, which can be found on Youtube™. A huge thanks to my beta, XxXRegretXxX. Any errors are truly my own. Please review at the end! They sustain me!

Disclaimer: You know I don't own it. All I own is the plot, and I don't think it's worth much.

Also, please note that I am posting this on both and . PhoenixFanatic999 and PhoenixFanatic are the same person, just different requirements for different sites.

Harry Potter rolled over early one morning with a stifled groan as his blurry vision made contact with the alarm clock beside his bed. Somehow Hermione had managed to bewitch a muggle digital alarm clock to stay functioning at Hogwarts, and its red numbers glared at him, screaming at him that it was time to get out of bed. He pushed aside his covers and rolled out of his bed, searching blindly for his glasses on his nightstand. Once the room was back in focus, he noticed that he was the only one still inside the room. The 6th year Gryffindor Boys room was empty. Even Ron had managed to get out of bed before Harry this morning. _Prat could have at least woken me up_, Harry thought blearily to himself as he stumbled towards the bathroom.

Harry hated Mondays more than any day of the week, especially this year. Nobody deserved double Defense Against the Dark Arts with Professor Snape as a way to start the week. He pushed thoughts of Snape aside as he felt the pressure on his bladder intensify, as his morning problem was currently refusing to be ignored. He leaned back against the bathroom stall as he sighed with relief as the tension flowed out of him. He went to pull up his pajama pants and was startled when he saw something out of place. Harry stared in shock.

Tied around, well, _Harry Jr._, was a blue silk ribbon, tied into a bow. He had no idea how it had gotten there. Harry was seriously confused. Nobody had ever even seen Harry Jr. before to his knowledge. None of his dorm mates would ever even think of doing something like this. Mates never messed with other another mate's crown jewels. Ever. And as far as Harry knew, no girls would have snuck into his dorm simply to pull this sort of prank on him.

As mysterious as the situation was, Harry wasn't willing to let it affect him. He was already running late this morning, and he couldn't let a prank make him late for Snape's class. He'd simply use it as an excuse to dock even more house points from Harry, and he refused to let the greasy git get the best of him. Harry simply grabbed the end of the bow and tried to pull it off Harry Jr., who was still standing proudly. Much to Harry's surprise, the bow refused to budge. _Bugger_, Harry thought to himself. This was probably a joke product of Fred and George's. He thought that they would have left him alone, since he'd been kind enough to give them their starting capital investment, but apparently their treachery knew no bounds.

Harry began to seriously debate his options. There was no way he was going to risk using magic on the ribbon, let alone a _Diffindo_ spell. He'd simply have to owl the Twins during the lunch break and find out how to remove the ribbon. It's not like it was a detriment or anything. Harry grinned. If he looked at it long enough, it looked like Harry Jr. was standing proudly with a ribbon for coming first place in a competition. Yeah, the ribbon couldn't be that bad, could it?

The problem temporarily resolved, Harry rushed back into his dorm and threw on his clothes and robes, thankful for seemingly the millionth time that Hogwarts robes covered any potential signs of his morning problem. He was actually kind of curious as to why it hadn't settled down yet, but he wasn't willing to miss breakfast over a simple boner.

By the time he got out of the dorm room and into the common room, it was practically empty. There was a tired eyed first year that he didn't know staring at the fire in the common room hearth, but otherwise everyone was already at breakfast. He ran as fast as he could with Harry Jr. voicing his concerns over such actions, and arrived at the Great Hall slightly warm and flushed. He worked his way over to his usual spot at the Gryffindor table and plopped down in his usual spot beside Ron, who was paused stuffing his face to give Harry an apprehensive look.

"Did you plan to sleep all day there mate?" Ron asked, spewing his food over his unwilling victims also known as his friends. Hermione alone was saved from Ron's actions, having put a shielding charm around herself and her book. Hermione knew him and Ron far too well sometimes. Seamus and Dean merely glared at Ron in disgust, shaking bits of food off of their robes.

Harry shot a quick glare at Ron. "My alarm failed to go off this morning. My best mate decided to leave me behind for some reason as well," Harry bit off icily. Ron had the dignity to look shamefaced and swallowed before muttering an apology under his breath. Harry began to pile some eggs on his plate and tucked in, knowing full well he was short on time.

Hermione finally looked up from her book and frowned. "You all right there Harry?" she asked, concern evident in her voice.

Harry looked at her quizzically, his mouth full and not wishing to repeat Ron's mistakes. To his surprise, Hermione blushed and looked back down at her book. "You just look a little peaky, this morning Harry, that's all," she murmured quietly. Harry gave her a small smile letting her know he was just fine.

"You know what would solve that problem Harry?" Dean asked him with a straight face. Harry spared him a quick glance, obviously waiting for a reply. "Perhaps if you weren't such a nun and finally got laid, you'd be a little more relaxed," Dean finished with a roar of laughter accompanying his remark.

Harry glared with anger at his traitorous dorm mate as Ron choked on his food, with only a laughing Seamus saving him before he turned blue. Even Hermione was sporting a small smile, even though she was pretending to be absorbed in her book. Neville was trying to hide his laugh in his pumpkin juice.

"Just because some of us have standards Dean, doesn't mean we aren't worse off," Harry retorted heatedly.

"Right Harry, whatever helps you sleep at night, since we know what isn't," Dean scoffed, once again greeted with laughter from the table. Even Hermione was shaking slightly, holding her laughter in. Harry Jr. gave an indignant twinge and Harry winced, realizing full well that Dean was probably right. Harry Jr. knew that Dean was right. It didn't stop a flood of anger.

"Well Dean," Harry began coldly, "I don't know how some of us sleep at night knowing that we've snogged with Millicent Bullstrode." Dean immediately lost all color in his face, as the tables were turned and even Hermione this time could not hold in her laughter. Ron was nearly rolling on the floor laughing, yet miraculously he was still eating.

"That's hitting below the belt Harry," Dean warned him, lightning flashing in his eyes, "It happened once, when I was drunk, and I told you that in confidence."

"You play nice Dean and I'll play nicely in return," Harry replied grumpily, his mood sinking to an even lower level. The two boys glared daggers at each other for a few more moments, before Pavarti Patil let out a huff.

"Honestly you two, let it go," she ordered, and the two boys were quick to look shame faced. Pavarti had a temper and more ammunition for blackmail than any other student at Hogwarts. She had made it quite clear to Malfoy on more than one occasion that it wasn't a good idea to get on her bad side. The consequences could be dire. Gossip was a dangerous source of information, and Pavarti was the Gossip Queen at Hogwarts.

Hermione merely rolled her eyes, and Ron pulled himself back into his seat quickly, not wanting to tempt her wrath either. Harry himself found Pavarti's ability to dominate an argument rather intriguing. He often regretted how the Yule Ball had turned into a catastrophe. If only he'd been a better date, perhaps he could have gotten somewhere that night-

Harry jumped in his seat in pain. He'd been shocked, as if electrocuted! Straight on Harry Jr.! _This is impossible_, Harry thought to himself, _I thought about Pavarti and potentially getting somewhere and- _

Harry was cut off once again, as voltage was applied directly to Harry Jr., who was still flying at full mast despite screaming in pain. Harry leapt out of his seat, bumping the table and shaking everyone's dishes. Everyone looked at him oddly, as if he had sprouted a third eye.

"You all right mate?" Ron asked quickly, trying to play of the role of best mate while still eating as much as possible.

"Yeah, I think I'm okay, just felt something weird," Harry lied, sitting back down, and everyone went back to their own conversations. Hermione shot him another concerned look, but he waved her off, and she went back to her book. _It has to be the ribbon_ Harry thought desperately. _Nothing else makes sense. I wonder what sets it off. Is it just Pavarti? _Harry thought about the rather curvaceous Lavender Brown and the deep cleavage that she showed while wearing muggle clothing on weekends, and was immediately treated to yet another electrical shock to Harry Jr. Harry was quickly back on his feet once again, and this time there was no avoiding it.

"Harry, is it your scar? Is it You-Know-" Hermione began, before Harry cut her off.

"No, it's my stomach. I think I'll go see Madam Pomfrey," Harry shot off quickly, wanting to get out of the Great Hall. Hermione's eyes bored holes into Harry's skull, clearly not believing his story.

"Fine, I'll tell Professor Snape where you are if you're not back in time," Hermione replied, a raised eyebrow telling him he wasn't going to escape her later. Harry shot a grateful looked to her and scampered out of the Great Hall, and began sprinting towards the Owlery. He HAD to contact Fred and George.

He reached the Owlery, and scribbled out a quick letter on a scrap of parchment from his bag, and sent Hedwig along her way. Harry Jr. was still moaning about the mistreatment that he had suffered, but was still going on strong, and was showing no signs of deflating any time soon. Harry glared at his crotch angrily. He would make whoever did this pay, if it was the last thing he did.

Harry made his way back to Gryffindor Tower, absolutely refusing to go to class with a raging problem in his pants. Once back in the safe confines of his dorm room, he quickly divested himself of his clothes and sealed his curtains to his bed. The damned blue ribbon was still tied around Harry's pride and joy, mocking him. Quick experimentation confirmed his suspicions. Every time Harry had a lewd thought about a girl, he received a rather painful jolt from the ribbon. Despite continued abuse, Harry Jr. would not back down. Harry resolved that he would simply have to resort to a quick wank to get Harry Jr. to go back to sleep, which was proving to be incredibly difficult considering he couldn't think of a girl without receiving another shock.

Somehow Harry managed to keep stroking while keeping his mind blank. He felt an orgasm approaching and braced himself for what he could tell was going to be a big one. He hit the brink and…. Nothing. No release, no pinnacle, just the feeling that his testes were about to explode. Harry was befuddled. Now he was stuck in an even worse state than before, on the edge of cumming without actually being able to.

"Just bloody fantastic," Harry grumbled to himself. This day was simply getting worse and worse. He could only imagine how this situation would be one thousand times worse if he was with a girl and having sex. Another jolt pushed him back from the immediate brink, and he was able to relax. After several more lewd thoughts, Harry Jr. was still standing tall, but the pain from lack of release was gone. He decided that he might as well take a brief nap, as there was no way that he was going to class, or do anything else of the matter while the problem persisted. He knew full well that as a 16 year old boy, anything could make him think dirty thoughts, and it simply wasn't worth the pain.

It wasn't long before Harry managed to drift into an uncomfortable sleep, full of dreams. The most prominent one was one of soldiers running full out across a war torn battlefield, only to run into an invisible barrier, with Ron on the other side rolling around in laughter, and Dean making jokes about his non-existent sex life. A gigantic blue ribbon was floating in the air, and no matter what spells Harry cast at the ribbon, it refused to budge.

Harry awoke to a persistent pecking on his check, and fumbled once again for his glasses. Perched on the edge of his bed was Hedwig, a letter attached to her leg. Harry shot a quick glance at his clock, surprised to see that he had slept most of the day away. He risked a quick check on Harry Jr. and was disheartened to see that he was still standing tall and the ribbon was still in place. He grabbed the letter anxiously from Hedwig, and began to read while absently stroking her feathers.

_Dear Harry,_

_We don't know what to tell you. We don't have a product that fits the description you gave us, and to be frank, we've never even heard of such a thing. Even if we had, we'd never sell such a thing. It's simply wrong mate. _

Harry couldn't stop himself from nodding in agreement.

_We're sorry to hear about your problems, but we'd suggest going and seeing Madam Pomfrey. We've spent almost as much time in the hospital wing as you for the amount of times we've had a charm or new product backfire on us. Madam Pomfrey is very discrete, and we're sure that if anyone can help you, it's her. _

_Best of luck mate,_

_Gred and Forge _

Harry frowned as Hedwig flew off. He was so certain that the Twins would be able to help him. He REALLY did not want to have to go to Madam Pomfrey and explain his problem. Actually, he really didn't want to have to go to anyone about his problem. He began to muse his options, but he was cut short by the banging of Ron entering the dorm room. Harry quickly threw the blankets over his lap and hid the letter under the blankets.

"There you are Harry, we've been looking all over for you. You've got Hermione in a right tizzy, missing all your classes and not going to the hospital wing like you said you were," Ron informed him, mock severity printed clearly on his face.

"Sorry Ron, I thought I'd just try to sleep it off. Didn't really feel like being stuck drinking a nasty potion," Harry informed him half truthfully.

Ron frowned at him, but nodded understandingly. "Are you at least feeling better now Harry?" he asked gently.

It was Harry's turn to frown. "Actually Ron, I'm not. Perhaps I will go see Madam Pomfrey. Sleep hasn't seemed to help at all," Harry replied thoughtfully. Harry Jr. pulsed in agreement.

"Alright Harry, I'll let Hermione know. I'm just heading down to dinner, want me to save you anything?" Ron asked sympathetically.

"I'm fine Ron, though I doubt there'd be anything to save after you've eaten your share," Harry grinned at him. Ron put on a dramatic pose and an offended hand over his heart, before letting out a sigh and waltzing out of the room in what Harry assumed was supposed to be an emotionally wounded state.

Harry reluctantly pulled himself out of bed and dressed himself again. He would have to go to Madam Pomfrey and pray she could help him.

When Harry arrived at the familiar double doors of the Hospital Wing, he was beginning to second-guess himself. He was blushing at merely the idea of explaining his problem to Madam Pomfrey. With a sigh he pushed open the doors and walked into the room. The room was quiet and empty, though Harry could see the outline of the school nurse in the window to her office, and walked over to the door before knocking. She quickly answered the door, surprise evident upon her face.

"Mr. Potter, I heard you were feeling unwell this morning from Miss Granger. Why didn't you come sooner?" she asked, her eyes already analyzing him from top to bottom.

Harry flushed, having not considered that Hermione would have already been here. He actually felt a flash of pride, knowing that Hermione cared enough to come visit him even though he'd basically told her it was just a stomach bug. He pushed thoughts of Hermione away quickly, afraid of another jolt.

"Ah, I thought I might try to sleep it off actually. But it didn't work," Harry explained solemnly. When the only answer he received was a raised eyebrow, he continued. "Madam Pomfrey, I was advised by some friends that you would keep any treatment or condition discrete if I came to you for help."

"Of course Mr. Potter, patient confidentiality is assured," she informed him serenely. "Now, how can I help you?"

Harry blushed even more profusely, and began to stutter. "Well, you see, it's in a rather delicate area."

The stern matronly nurse gave him a piercing look, one that spoke of both disbelief and incredulity.

"Mr. Potter, if it's a simple engorgement charm gone wrong, simply say so. You wouldn't be the first student at Hogwarts to try increasing the size of his genitals, and I highly doubt you'll be the last," Madam Pomfrey informed him with a dry smile.

Harry's eyes widened in realization to what she was saying and his mind began to race. Was that even possible? A painful throb from Harry Jr. quickly had his mind back on task.

"No Madam Pomfrey, it's nothing like that, well not exactly," Harry exclaimed, trying to find words to explain his problem.

"Perhaps it would be easier Mr. Potter if you simply show me the problem area," she replied somewhat impatiently. Harry couldn't believe he had enough blood in his body with Harry Jr. standing upright to blush even harder, but he did. Harry fiddled with his belt and dropped his pants and boxers in front of the nurse. When Harry Jr. met fresh air, Madam Pomfrey froze for a moment, before laughing out loud.

"Mr. Potter, I thought you told me this wasn't an issue with an engorgement charm, let alone winning a competition," she laughed, almost doubled over. Harry bristled with indignation. How dare she mock his pride and joy and make light of the trice damned ribbon!

"I assure you Madam Pomfrey, there has been no enlarging charms on my part. Feel free to test otherwise, but I assure you it's the truth," Harry replied angrily, his hands balling into fists. Madam Pomfrey frowned at him, disbelief once again evident on her face, but gave a quick wave of her wand and a quick _Finite_, but there was no change. Her eyes grew rather round in shock, and if possible, Harry Jr. swelled with even more pride.

"Uh… I apologize Mr. Potter. Exactly what is the problem then?" she stammered confusedly.

"There are three problems. One is the damn ribbon, it won't come off," Harry informed her, his anger at her reaction quickly dissipating. "Secondly, IT won't go down and hasn't since this morning. Lastly, I receive an electrical shock from the ribbon every time I have a dirty thought!"

Madam Pomfrey studied him for a moment before the speaking again. "Have you tried manual stimulation to make it go flaccid Mr. Potter?"

Harry blushed once again, but nodded the affirmative. "I was unable, to uh… you know…"

She gave him a look over once again, and began to mutter to herself under her breath. She went into her office, and returned with a large dusty tome in her hand, and began flipping through the pages, until she found what she was looking for.

"It seems Mr. Potter that you've become the victim of a very old charm, known as the True Love Charm. It is a very old charm, one that is rarely used today, if ever. It prevents the victim from being able to ejaculate. The only person that can remove the ribbon is the victim's true love. It was created by Pureblood's who refused to enter into arranged marriages, as it made it so they could not be forced to procreate with someone against their will, effectively allowing them to marry for love if they so wished," Madam Pomfrey informed him, all the while her brow creased in confusion. "However, there is nothing in here about the electrical shock. That must be a new addition to the charm."

"But I don't know who my true love is!" Harry wailed, fearing the thought of never having an orgasm again in his life. Harry Jr. shuddered at the thought.

"I don't know what to tell you Mr. Potter. There is only one way to remove the ribbon, and I'm afraid that is up to you to figure out," Madam Pomfrey explained gently, motioning for him to pull his pants back up, which he did mechanically.

Harry's brow quickly creased. This was going to be a problem. There was no way he could figure this out without being on the receiving end of at least a dozen jolts at the very least.

"Now Mr. Potter, I suggest you figure this out rather quickly. I'll give you a note that will basically give you as much free time as it takes to figure the problem out," Madam Pomfrey explained, while scribbling a note on a piece of parchment. "Good luck Mr. Potter. I suspect you'll need it."

Harry merely nodded dazedly, and wandered out of the infirmary, wondering what on earth he had done to deserve this. He made his way to the Room of Requirement and thought hard while passing back and forth in front of where he knew the door was. _I need someplace to think, I need someplace to think, I need someplace to think. _As usual, a door appeared, and Harry was quick to scramble inside. The room provided him with a smaller version of the Gryffindor Common Room, with a fireplace and a red armchair and a small coffee table at the center of the room.

Harry was quick to collapse into the chair, and massaged the aching Harry Jr., wishing that somehow he could provide release. How on earth was he, a 16-year-old boy supposed to figure out whom he loved, while being zapped if his thoughts became even slightly inappropriate. Not to mention it was hard to think with less than optimum amount of blood flowing in his brain thanks to Harry Jr. He figured he could immediately eliminate any girl not in his year, except perhaps Ginny or Luna. There was no way he was in love with a member of his fan club like Romilda Vane. _Or Colin Creevey_ he thought with a shudder.

So in reality, he could narrow it down further by eliminating the Slytherin's. He could never love Pansy Parkinson knowing full well that Malfoy had been with her multiple times. Also, unlike Dean, not even drunk would Harry go after Millicent Bullstrode. He also didn't know many of the girls outside of his house on a level that made sense for a love connection in his mind. Sure Harry knew Hannah Abbott and Susan Bones, but not well enough that he would ever fancy either of them.

He had a final list. It had to be one of Ginny (in which Ron would kill him), Luna, Pavarti or perhaps even her sister Padma, Lavender or Cho Chang. He had been shocked several times during the making of this list, and his mood was quickly sinking to the level of desperation. While he could see himself being attracted to all of those girls, he began to fear that he didn't know exactly what love was. He pondered it for a moment. It was definitely a legitimate concern. Being raised by the Dursley's, Harry honestly didn't have a figure in his life that he considered someone who loved him until Sirius dropped into his life. And then Sirius had been snatched away so quickly.

Harry began to transition from thoughtful to downright moody. There was no way he was going to figure this out. He was going to be stuck with an eternal boner, without another orgasm in his life and alone. Harry Jr. bemoaned the fact along with him. He was about to give up entirely when he had a thought. What if he was only shocked when thinking about the wrong girl? Madam Pomfrey didn't know anything about the zapping, saying it was a new addition. It allowed him to eliminate Pavarti and Lavender after breakfast this morning.

What about Ginny? He could picture her quite easily, after all the time's he snuck a peek in the Quidditch locker room -

_Zap_

Harry winced. There goes that one. He was actually kind of glad. Ron wouldn't have to kill him for forcing his sister to touch Harry Jr. to remove the damn ribbon.

There was Padma, who was very similar to her sister, if slightly brainier, though that gown she had worn to the Yule Ball had a slightly deeper cut –

_Zap_

Harry Jr. was beginning to howl in protest, but Harry knew that this was the only hope he had at the moment. Luna was definitely a nice girl, and in the past year she had begun to bloom rather nicely, especially her –

_Zap_

This time Harry himself let out a howl of pain. The shocks were getting successively worse. But most of the list was down, he had to finish. The disaster with Cho Chang in 5th year was not something Harry was entirely proud of. Though he often daydreamed about the time that they had kissed in this very room, and wondered if he could have gotten further and –

_Zap_

Harry was ready to scream in frustration. That was the entire bloody list. His theory had to be wrong, or he was simply missing someone. Perhaps he was destined to end up with Millicent Bullstrode. He began to consider more extreme options, such as suicide or giving up entirely and becoming a chaste priest, when he realized he had missed someone completely. Hermione. He thought about the time he had accidentally walked in on her changing at the Burrow. Nothing. No zap.

Harry began to wonder. Hermione. She was his best friend, different from his best mate in Ron. She had always been there for him. When the entire school had not believed him about entering the Tri-Wizard Tournament in 4th year, she alone stayed faithful to him. Even Dumbledore had voiced his doubts initially. When Sirius died, she was the one he spoke with. When she had accused him of having a saving people syndrome, that had hurt Harry, far more than if anyone else had said it. When she had been hit with Dolohov's curse in the Department of Mysteries, Harry had been ready to give up entirely, even more than when he had seen Sirius fall through the veil. He had frozen, incapable of imagining a world without Hermione, and it had taken Neville Longbottom of all people to shake him out of it. Perhaps that what love was, the inability to imagine life without someone. Harry felt his chest tighten at the mere idea of trying to live life without Hermione.

Deep down, Harry knew that he relied far more on Hermione than he ever did on Ron. Ron was his first true friend, and his best mate, but Hermione understood him, and almost always took his side, unless it was for his own good. If it came down to choosing between saving one of them on the battlefield, Harry knew in his heart exactly who he would save, every single time. He felt guilty about it, but he knew that he would eventually be able to move on in his life if Ron died. He could not do that if Hermione died. He would gladly sacrifice himself to defeat Voldemort, even if the Dark Lord was only targeting Hermione, and he would die with no regrets over such a decision. Perhaps that is what true love was. Harry had known all along, but had simply been blind. Harry Jr. throbbed in agreement.

Harry jumped to his feet. He had to find Hermione. He ran out of the Room of Requirement, and began running without even thinking. He knew exactly where she would be. When he arrived at the Library, he forced himself to slow down and breathe. It wouldn't do him any good if Madam Pince kicked him out. Harry nervously began to try and straighten himself out, trying to make himself presentable. _Where did this come from? _he wondered to himself. _This is Hermione. She'll accept me, always. _

He opened the doors to the library, ignoring a few acquaintances that called out quiet greetings despites shushing from the librarian. He made his way to the back of the stacks, knowing that Hermione would be at her usual table near the restricted section, where she always was. He stopped himself when he turned the last corner and finally found her. There she was, her face scrunched up in concentration while she poured over the book in front of her. He had always found it cute how she bit her bottom lip when she was deep in thought, and now he found it simply to die for. Her mass of bushy hair was its usual uncontrollable mess, but who was Harry to criticize with his own hair refusing to relent to even magic. _Any child of ours would hate us because of our hair genetics _Harry chuckled to himself internally. _Wow. Where did that come from,_ he wondered. He realized at that very moment he could quite easily envision himself with Hermione for the rest of his life. With a swell in his heart at the very idea, Harry pulled upon his famous Gryffindor courage.

He began to walk towards the table, a smile blooming on his face. She looked up, hearing his footsteps, and a cross look on her face to greet him. Harry's smile faltered, and he became uncertain. _What if she doesn't love me? _He lost his confidence and even Harry Jr. felt like he would wilt at the thought. _This is Hermione. Even if she doesn't, she'll still be my friend, always. Even if I go become a male nun. _Harry felt his stomach churn guiltily for even doubting Hermione for a moment.

"Hey," he greeted her cautiously, watching her reaction. Her frown remained. She gave him the silent treatment for few moments, before her own impatience forced her to speak.

"Where have you been Harry? I've been worried sick," Hermione snapped at him peevishly. "You tell me that you're going to see Madam Pomfrey, and then I find out you never even went. Then you go and skip class all day. What's going on Harry?"

He let her tirade wash over him, and he realized he felt rather guilty about lying to Hermione. "I'm sorry Hermione. I wasn't fe-". _No,_ he thought to himself. _No more lies_. "I had a bit of a problem to deal with. I'm really sorry," he apologized, sincerity showing in his eyes.

Hermione's frown vanished, and was replaced by a small smile. "Apology accepted Harry," Hermione informed him. Harry began to smile again, but was cut off when her face turned serious. "Do it again Harry and I'll hex you and put a tracing charm on you."

Harry froze. Ron had it right. Brilliant but scary indeed. Her serious face disappeared again and she summoned a chair for him with a wave of her wand, gesturing for him to sit. He complied, not wishing to tempt her anger again.

"What are you doing here Harry? Normally I have to beat you and Ron with a broom to get you in the library," Hermione joked, pushing her book aside.

Harry's stomach was doing full flips at this point. How on earth was he going to do this? He should have planned it out ahead of time. One simply doesn't walk up to a girl and declare their love. "Uh, Hermione, I've got something I need to tell you," Harry mumbled shyly, not making eye contact with her. He waited for a reply, but received none. He looked up from the table to see her waiting with a raised eyebrow, indicating he should continue. He needed some sort of flowery speech to woo her; he needed to do this right, he needed-

"I think I'm in love with you," Harry blurted out, clapping his hands to his mouth in surprise at his own declaration. _Smooth Harry, real smooth _he berated himself_._ Hermione's face was a mask, though he could see her thoughts running a mile a minute in her eyes.

"Hermione?" Harry ventured cautiously. "Please say something."

Hermione stared at him blankly, still devoid of any emotion. Then she did the last thing that Harry ever expected. She giggled. Which was followed by full out laughter. Harry was crushed. She found his declaration funny. His heart sank like a stone. He couldn't stay here. He had to get out. He felt his emotions coalescing into something extremely painful in his chest and he turned and ran. He ran blindly out of the library, tears threatening to break out, despite his best efforts to hold them in. He heard Hermione call out his name, but he didn't care. He needed to get away. This was easily the worst day ever.

Harry wandered around the edge of the Black Lake, throwing the occasional rock or pebble into the lake, his misery practically a palpable cloud hanging around him. It was nearly sunset, but Harry didn't even notice. Out of all the reactions he could have predicted, laughter was the one he did not see coming, and it hurt the most. Harry's heart hurt more than it ever had, even when Sirius died. It felt like Grawp had stepped on his heart.

Harry eventually grew bored of the lake and wandered over to the Beech tree, the favorite spot of the Trio in all their years at Hogwarts. He had many fond memories of time spent under this particular tree, enjoying the summer breeze with Ron and Hermione, chatting about random things that made the passing time some of his favorite at Hogwarts. Now it was filled with bittersweet memories, of all the times he had been remarkably close to Hermione without ever actually realizing it. Dozing underneath the summer sky, with an arm wrapped around her while she used his chest as a pillow, or huddled together to try and stay warm while they braved a winter walk.

How could he have been so blind? Cho had accused him of being closer with Hermione than any other girl, and she had been right. Now it seemed that the feelings were not reciprocated, and Harry was feeling low enough that the only way it could be worse is if Voldemort himself appeared right now.

"Harry?" a soft familiar voice from behind him caught him by surprise. _Check that_ he thought to himself, _it's worse_.

"What do you want Hermione?" he asked stiffly, not turning to face her. He didn't trust himself. His only immediate reply was a pair of soft arms slipping around his waist in a gentle hug, which caused him to involuntarily relax. His own body was betraying him.

"I'm sorry Harry. It was just rather funny how you blurted it out like that, with no preamble or warning," Hermione explained quietly. "I didn't mean to hurt you like that, you have to know that."

Harry sighed and slipped out of her embrace and turned to face her. She stood there, looking hopefully towards him, an apologetic smile on her face. Her hazel eyes, flints of gold reflecting the dying sunlight back at him, immediately captured Harry's heart. This was his Hermione. How could he have fucked this up so royally? He had to make this right, even if he was destined to be miserable forever because of it.

"I should be the one apologizing Hermione. If you don't ever want to talk to me again, I underst-" he began, emotion choking his voice, but Hermione cut him off by placing a gentle finger to his lips.

"You didn't give me a chance to explain Harry," Hermione explained gently, reaching for his hand, seeking contact with him. Harry was dumbstruck, uncertain on how to react, so he was content to just let her lead for the moment. "You caught me by surprise. I'd given up hope of you ever reciprocating feelings towards me, so to have you just wander in and say you love me was slightly shocking."

Harry's heart leapt into his throat, and he was unable to speak. What did she mean by reciprocating? He locked eyes with Hermione, who now had a full-blown grin on her face as she looked up at him. Harry felt something buoying up in his chest, something more powerful than even happiness.

Harry cleared his throat, once or twice for good measure, not trusting his voice to crack. "You, uh… like me too?" he probed cautiously, gauging her facial features for a response.

For the second time that day, Hermione surprised him. She pulled him closer reached up for his head, gently pulling his face towards hers for a whisper of a kiss, their lips barely touching for more than a second, but the spark that Harry felt was similar to that he had been feeling all day, but in a much more pleasurable sense. His emotions were a jumbled mess, and he couldn't think straight, but he knew one thing. This was right. This felt good.

Hermione began to pull back gently, but Harry refused to let her. He reached behind her head, one hand resting behind her neck and the other exploring gently through her hair, as he pulled her back in for a more powerful kiss, their lips crashing together. At first Hermione resisted, and Harry was worried he had gone too far, but her initial surprise wore off and she kissed him back with equal enthusiasm. Harry felt her tongue probing his lips, and he opened them in reply, allowing their tongues to duel together in a fervent dance of passion. Harry Jr. was doing a happy dance in his pants, but for the first time today, Harry had something that distracted him completely.

He wasn't sure how long they kissed for, but when they pulled apart, it was because they needed to breathe. Harry was on cloud nine, and judging by Hermione's glowing cheeks and the goofy grin on her face, he wasn't alone.

"That was-" Harry started.

"Magical," Hermione finished, pulling him into a closer embrace. Harry desperately wanted to kiss her some more, but was content to hold her tightly and put his head on top of hers. Hermione in turn snuggled in as close as she could, and Harry was amazed on how perfectly she seemed to fit against his skinny frame.

"Harry?" Hermione intoned quietly.

"Mmmh?" Harry replied, not really wanting to ruin the moment.

"Not that I'm complaining, but there seems to be something in your pocket that is poking me. Is it your wand?" Hermione asked innocently, seemingly oblivious of the truth. Harry was mortified.

"Uh… Hermione, that's not exactly my wand," he tried to explain, fighting to keep his voice level. Damn it, he did not want this moment ruined by the damn ribbon and Harry Jr. Hermione's eyes widened in realization, and broke out in giggles again. This time Harry was okay with it though.

"Oh Harry, what a big wand you have," Hermione laughed, her very amusement a source of pleasure for Harry, in a way that he'd never experienced before.

"All the better for making magic with you my dear," Harry grinned rather boldly. Hermione pulled her head free and cocked an eyebrow at him, before they both dissolved into laughter. Harry sat down with his back against their favorite tree, tenderly pulling Hermione down with him, and she snuggled up against him, and they contentedly watched the sun finish setting behind the mountains over the lake. It was Harry who broke the silence.

"You know Hermione, I should actually be thanking whoever cast this charm on me," Harry told her, "It's helped me realize what is truly important in life."

Hermione beamed up at him, before her brown creased in confusion. "What charm was that Harry?" Hermione asked quizzically. Harry felt a tinge of fear. Would she be mad? He didn't know, but he knew he couldn't lie to Hermione.

"Someone hit me with a modified version of the True Love Charm, according to Madam Pomfrey anyways. It helped me figure out my feelings for you," Harry explained softly, worrying internally about her reaction. Hermione's lips formed a silent "oh", but it was quickly replaced by a smile.

"Well then," Hermione began matter of factly, "You're welcome then Harry."

Harry was stunned. No freaking way. Absolutely not.

"You did it?" Harry managed to choke out in surprise.

"I had to get through to you somehow Harry. I thought it might allow me to finally get over you if you ended up with another girl, and if you returned my feelings, well…." Hermione trailed off uncertainly.

Harry thought about it for a moment, but a moment was all it took. He gently cupped her chin in his hand and pulled her in for a gentle, yet sensual kiss, which Hermione returned with equal conviction.

"You're not mad Harry?" Hermione asked worriedly when they finally broke apart from the kiss.

"Well, slightly about the side effects and the emotional turbulence that you put me through, but I think it was well worth it in the end," Harry informed her, a small smile gracing his lips as he bent down and gave her another peck on the lips.

Hermione pulled away slightly and looked at him with consternation clearly written on her face. "What side effects?"

Harry looked at her confused. "Well, there were the shocks when I thought about the wrong girl for one."

"Well, yes, that was something of my own invention," Hermione admitted. "I couldn't have you going around the school getting random girls to try and take the ribbon off."

"And then there was the constant, uh… excitement," Harry finished lamely, but Hermione looked at him with confusion still written on her face. "In my pants," he clarified embarrassedly. "The inability to get it to go down was rather painful, and the lack of… uh… you know, being able to… orgasm," Harry finished with a mortified whisper, his face beet red. He was shocked to find an equally mortified Hermione looking up at him in fear.

"Harry, I didn't know about that part of the charm, honestly! I stumbled upon it in one of the history books from the restricted section talking about the pureblood mania and it didn't say anything about the side effects! Please believe me!" Hermione implored him, her eyes begging him for forgiveness.

Harry looked at her with bemusement dancing in his eyes. "Do my ears deceive me? Hermione Granger failed to fully research something?" Harry teased her, gently tickling her ribcage causing her to squirm. She gave him a gentle swat on the shoulder, telling him to let it go or else.

"I am sorry Harry," she confessed, "truly I am."

"It's all right 'Mione," Harry let her know, trying to pull her tightly against him again, and she didn't resist.

"You called me 'Mione," she said, wonder evident in her voice.

"Yeah, it just kinda came out," Harry admitted sheepishly. "Is that okay?"

She grinned at him and planted another not so chaste kiss on his lips. "More than okay. It's definitely better than 'Herms'." She squirmed in his arms softly, evoking less than innocent thoughts in Harry's mind.

"Well Harry, I think it's time for us to get rid of the ribbon, don't you think?" Hermione teased him, a blank look of shock on Harry's face. "And perhaps, if you're a good little boy, I might help you with that other side effect problem you were having," Hermione whispered in a sultry tone in his ear.

Harry Jr. was immediately all hands to battle stations, as Hermione laughed and pulled herself free from Harry and began running happily back towards the school. Harry watched her in amazement. Where did this Hermione come from? Harry Jr. gave a pressured reminder and Harry quickly scrambled after Hermione. He suspected he was about to have the best sleep of his life.

Long live the Pumpkin Pie!


End file.
